When to cut ties

Ahhh… the Toxic Friend; The one who sucks the life out of you and leaves you with a sad spirit instead of filling you up with joy.  Sound familiar?  I think everyone had or has a toxic friend.  We struggle with a love/hate relationship with them and love or hate, always end up getting burned, but when is it time to really cut ties?

Obviously, a friend who seduces your husband – GONE!, but what about when it’s not that black and white?

Let me give you my point of view on the subject.  I believe that friendship is a two way street.  There should be efforts made on both sides.  Efforts to encourage, improve and deepen the friendship.  In times of trouble, however, I think this rule gets tossed to the wayside.  Loss of job, grieving over lost family members, serious illness and the like, would all qualify, and anyone who is suffering from one or more of these things should be given friendship priority.  These conditions won’t last forever, but memories of who was there for them, will.

I have given the pink slip to a few friends over the years.  Some I still keep in contact with, others I don’t.  My criteria are fairly simple; Am I good for them?  Are they good for me? 

For starters, I am an AWESOME friend.  My friends in high school used to joke that they didn’t need boyfriends, because I made them feel more special than any silly boy ever could.  It sounds funny, but you’d be surprised at how far a card, a voicemail, a prayer, a meal or a gift really does go!  I make a point to know my friends favorite types of candy, when bad days come… a bad of skittles and a note on their windshield may just turn everything around.

Like all good things, though, someone’s going to take advantage of it… I had a friend who I constantly had to entertain.  I am pretty comfortable being the center of attention and entertaining, but it got to be too much.  Every time we would hang out, I felt like I had to be “on”, or it seemed like she just wasn’t having fun.  This ‘condition’ seemed to spread to her family.  They would always say that they haven’t laughed this hard in a long time… So the show must go on; entertaining my friend and her family.  This went on for YEARS and I never really seemed to enjoy myself when I was with her.  She just drained me.  Finally, I decided it was time.  This thing, whatever it was, had run its course.

I’m not saying slam doors, scream and be rude.  There is an adult way to do these things.  Slowly.  Politely. Purposefully.  I called her less often, I accepted invitations less often.  The progression was slow and steady, so much so, that an onlooker, would not have even noticed.  We’re still ‘friends’ on Facebook and if we see each other in public, we do a quick catch up conversation.  It’s better this way, it really is.

Now, however, I find myself in a much tougher predicament.  A lifelong pal of mine, is draining me.  She whines, she complains, she audibly envies everyone and everything, she brings me down.  I’ve tried, calling, texting, emailing, inviting, etc., and quite frankly I’m tired.  She accepts my invitations, but waits a few weeks to do so, she doesn’t eat the food I prepare and instead opts for some junk food that she packed in her bag, then complains about the drive, heck, complains about everything.  I can’t please her.  I’ve decided, that unlike high school, when everyone was desperate to have friends and ‘belong’.  I don’t need her.  The only problem… a lifetime of history.

So, I stew in my juices and remember better times and hope that this is just a low spot in our friendship.  I’m not yet ready to call it quits, because of our history, but if she were anyone else… she’d get the boot.

I need an adventure

I need an adventure, and no, not the mundane day-to-day type of stuff that I try to pass off as “adventure”.  I’m talkin’ REAL adventure.

Exploring a foreign country, or even a city I’ve never been to would qualify.  Taking on a new project or learning a new craft might be fun.  Something...  Anything.

Truthfully, though, it wouldn’t even have to be grand, to be exciting to me… Driving in a snow storm, constitutes as “adventure” for me!

I look at my little boy and I see this zeal for everything.  If I want to get him to do something less than pleasant, I bribe him with adventure, excitement  or exploring and his interests are not only piqued, but I’ve got an angel on my hands for about ½ an hour’s worth of time.  I wonder at times if his overabundance of energy is, in part, fueled by his love of ‘adventure’.  Think about it.  It’s pretty hard to sleep the day away when you are on vacation and there is an amusement park ahead of you.  Better still, the beach, you may cozy up on the sand and THEN sleep the day away, but, you only sleep once you’ve gotten there.  Am I right?

After all, even the mundane stuff, can get me excited.  I could never annoyed at the prospect of going to the beauty supply store, even if it’s just to pick up some hairspray.  There is so much there, so much to see, so much to wonder “what does that do-hicky… Do?”.

Now, I’m no weirdo, there are just some places that just aren’t fun.  The DMV for example, is probably one of the closest places I can think of where death by bored may occur.  The only redeeming quality about the DMV is the people watching.

Today, I get the honor, of taking my 4 year old son to one of those “unfun” places… to be fitted for a tuxedo… for a wedding that he’s not all that keen on being in anyways.  He’s not going to enjoy this, I’m certainly not going to enjoy the whining, crying, and oh, the eighty bucks I’m going to have to plunk down.

I need an adventure, but this time, it’s not for me.  It’s for my boy.  So today, I think that I will plan some boy friendly adventures.  A little adventure before and a LOT after the fitting, to safe my sanity and his.

Workin’ hard or hardly workin’?

I’m sure every stay at home mom (or dad for that matter) has heard something similar in there child-raising, home-managing plight. I HATE the insinuation that I ‘did nothing all day long’. HATE IT!!!!

Now, I’ve had my share of jobs, where at times working 2 or 3 jobs at once, other times working 12-18 hour days at ONE job. I pride myself on my work ethic. In fact, the first person to stand up and call me lazy, will promptly get punched in the mouth… after which I will quickly go to work tending the wound and cleaning up the blood. (Ha ha) I don’t take breaks, I don’t sit around eating bon bons and I’m not even sure I could tell you the name of any soap opera that’s on the air.

I dare any ‘nay sayers’ out there to try any get any work done with two small children at their feet. I challenge them to keep any room in presentable, hell, even WALKABLE condition while a baby and a preschooler are around! It would certainly ware at anyone’s energies and certainly their patience… but the pay is good, right? RIGHT??!??

Sure, I’d rather earn a paycheck and go have a pedicure with my earnings, but instead, I mow the lawn, do the dishes, trim the trees, fold endless amounts of laundry, vacuum, cook, organize and pick up toys from sunrise to sunset, while two little boys run circles around me… and what do I get? Well, it’s certainly not appreciation… not voiced anyways. If it’s monetary, there must be some off shore account overflowing with funds… although, I’ve seen my husbands paychecks and let’s face it, it’s not likely.

Let me assure you that nanny and housekeeper are both paid positions in the ‘real world’, but I, my dear friends usually do it for a smack on the ass. (No, seriously!) I do it, not because I’m a glutton for punishment, but because I love my family. I do it because I am enjoying seeing my kids grow and because my husband works hard all day long too. And every time I feel the bubbling boil of anger rise within me at the implication of ‘doing nothing’ and I think I’m going to explode… one of those steamy bubbles pops and I realize that I am raising the good people of this world and helping my husband be the best he can for his job.
It’s all worth it in an abstract sort of way.

My payback will come when my son crawls up on my lap and says “Mommy, you read it the best!” and hands me yet another book and know, that YES, I DO read it BEST! Or when a friend enviously eyes my lawn and grumbles about how her hubby never puts forth the effort and grin to myself and think “Honey, if you only knew.” My payment will be the little moments and the little boosts of pride… for now, but I’m still holding out for diamonds and a Hawaiian vacation. ;)

Birthday Blues?

Before I start, no, it is not my birthday.  A friend of mine was suffering from some post birthday blues this morning and it got me thinking.  Thinking about why birthdays hurt so much for so many of us.

I don’t think I’ve ever really been fazed by a birthday.  They aren’t spectacular.  They aren’t devastating.  It’s just a day to me, a day that usually comes with some perks, like cake!  Since I’ve never had a birthday melt down, I have to ask, what’s the big deal??

From some people I get the sense that it is mealy a lust for youth.  People miss the physical attributes of youth, the smooth skin, the full head of hair with no gray strands, the energy and flexibility.  For others still, it seems that they miss the activities of youth and the lack of responsibility;  Bike riding from sun up to sun down with nary a worry in the world.

For others, I think it boils down to remorse, regret at opportunities missed.  Anything from not nailing down ‘the one that got away’ to picking the wrong major in college to never learning to speak French, conjures up feelings of anxiety and panic.  Feelings that we don’t assess until the annual ‘year in review’ that has become the birthday ritual.

I understand, looking in the mirror and seeing skin drooping further and further south and hair not looking as smooth, shiny, and illustrious as it once did.  I did however, have a hard time wrapping my mind around the missed opportunities remorse.  I mean, if there is something out there that you wanted to do, why didn’t you DO it?  Why don’t you DO it now?  You are never too old to learn to play the flute or speak another language. 

My grandmother, for example, just graduated from college!  Sure, life ‘got away’ from her when she was younger, but she didn’t let it keep sliding, she ceased HER day.  She didn’t do the college thing when she was in her twenties, life happened, but she still wanted to do it; so, she did.

I, myself, have started to read. No, not learning to read for the first time, but reading for the first time for pleasure.  I HATED reading, as a child, teen and even in my twenties.  It was an elementary function that served the purpose of getting by in life.  I read very few books that I understood as a child and fewer still that I enjoyed.  In high school literature, I had to read the Odyssey.  It may as well have been written in a foreign language.

It wasn’t until I was nursing my infant son that really began to read, and found that I kind of liked it.  My son didn’t nurse well with the distractions of TV, the chaos of the family in the living room or the cover of a blanket, so I was spending a lot of time alone in the bedroom.  I figured I could read a book, any book I wanted, so I did, and *shhhhhhh* I LOVED it!  I have since continued this practice.  I can now say that I am a reader and I now completely understand the fascination of a book club.

I look back at my life and the only things that I regret are not trying or doing things sooner, but the things that I have taken up later in life, has given me the opportunity to savor the activity. 

I’m a birthday lover, I always will be.  Getting older has perks, like less pimples and grandchildren.  There are so many things still left to explore and conquer and while my body may not look the same, I’m going to savor the simple pleasures in life and cease the day! Carpe Diem!!

Picky eaters: Big and small

For those of you who seem to think that being a picky eater is ‘no big deal’… You are most likely a picky eater yourself.  It in fact, is a HUGE deal!  Picky eaters also tend to have trouble maintaining a healthy body weight.  After all, if Twinkies, Hamburger Helper, fruit snacks and string cheese are all you or your child will eat, there is going to be some weight and nutritional issues.

By being finicky, there are so many flavors that you aren’t allowing yourself to try and an abundance of nutrients that you aren’t even allowing into your body.

Now before you point fingers and say that I must eat everything.  You are wrong.  I spent my teen years and the better half of my twenties as a vegetarian.  Vegetarianism, for me, had nothing to do with saving the animals.  I simply did not like the tastes and textures of meats.  Upon my first pregnancy ending in miscarriage, I decided that I would be eating meat if only for the sake of my future children.  And heck, if I HAD to eat meat… I was going to like it, damn it!  I began to look for different recipes and really add to my culinary arsenal.  I made a true effort to start to like everything and try new things regularly.  Now, I adore sushi, simply because I TRIED it.

I think that we could all benefit from some eating and cooking adventurism.  So often I see children who eat nothing but fruit snacks, crackers and macaroni & cheese.  Is that any way to live?  While those things do taste good occasionally, I would honestly rather DIE that keep that as my daily menu.  There is no variety, little nutritional content and visually pretty uninteresting as well. 

Further still, taking a step back, the pickiest children are usually parented by finicky eaters as well.  Mommies and Daddies need to lead the eating adventure by example.  There should never a separate dinner prepared for Jr or for the Little Princess.  My children are fed the same meal that mom and dad eat, yes, even my 8 month old.  Some people think this is strange that break dinner into bite sized pieces or put the baby’s meals into a food processor, but seriously, have you tasted baby food??!?  THAT stuff is horrible! 

I have a few unspoken rules around my house:

*Offer variety as much as possible – Fruits, veggies, meats, dairy…. There’s a reason the FDA recommends eating from each group at every meal!

*Everyone TRIES everything – Yep, even the 8 month old eats curry chicken.  It won’t kill him.  He eats it, he likes it and even gets mad if he doesn’t get to try what we are eating.  My 4 year old knows that he HAS to take, say 5 good bites of broccoli, it won’t kill him, it will only broaden his palette as an adult.

*We don’t skip meals and we don’t eat all of the time – Skipping meals messes with the metabolism and eating all of the time turns mindless, and mindless eating can really pack on the pounds.

*Savor the food in front of you – While I can’t stop my husband from polishing off his plate in front of the boob tube, I can keep my kids and myself from doing so.  Sit and pay attention to the food you are eating, the flavors, the textures, especially the first few bites.  Savoring your food makes the meal more satisfying.  I am more content with less food when I eat this way.  Try it!

*Read labels and pay attention to portions – Do you know what a proper portion of meat is? How about veggies?  Oh, and the killer…. Cereal?  Paying attention to the portion size and the fat, calories and vitamins your body derives from them can mean the difference between 100 calories and 500 calories.

*Cut the chemicals – When reading those labels, do you ever come across ‘ingredients’ that sound more like science projects?  Are those items really all that good for your body??  If it has to be created in a lab… probably not.  Yeah, it takes a little longer to make Mac & Cheese from scratch, but it tastes a million times better, it’s more satisfying and over the long term, you feel better when you aren’t eating mystery ingredients.

*You don’t have to clear your plate – If you are full or even satisfied with less, STOP!  Plain and simple.

*Keep it colorful – Food should be just as pleasing to the eyes as to the tongue, it excites and again satisfies better when there is variety… Even if the variety is visual.  I refuse to serve what I like to call “the monochromatic toddler special” of corn, chicken nuggets and mac & cheese.  It’s so…. Boring.  If we HAVE to go that route, I try to pick a green veggie instead of the corn and, this will sound silly to some, but my son begs for this, colored macaroni – a little food coloring goes a long way, and heck, it’s fun!

Bottom line, meal time shouldn’t be a fight and it shouldn’t be boring; it should be exciting and delicious and bring healthful benefits.  I challenge you to come up with some “unspoken rules” for your meal times and implement them. 

Hypothetical shopping spree

Being a stay at home mom, I don’t have money to blow on just anything… ever. I get about one hair cut a year, if I’m lucky. I dream of fabulous vacations on islands with clear blue water, sand and palm trees… but I know that’s not going to happen any time soon. I scrimp and save every found parking lot penny, so that I can do something like *gasp* buy a fancy cup of coffee. So you can see that the proposition of a shopping spree could really get the blood flowing.

But the truth is… I don’t really know what I’d do with unlimited funds, just to be spent on pleasure. Honestly, the only thing that comes to mind, is… shoes.

Now, I am by far a shoe connoisseur, I’ve only heard of the magical mystical Manolo Blahnik. I’ve never spent more than $70 on shoes, and those were running shoes.

Nevertheless, there is something so wonderful about a new pair of heels. The way they make your legs look extra shapely and toned. The way that any woman’s foot looks more feminine. The sway in your walk that a pair of heels gives. The way that you can eek out an extra 2-4 inches just by slipping into a pair.

That extra height is probably what does it for me. It’s the difference between hauling out a step stool to kiss my husband or a photo copy machine being at waist height or chest height. The exhilaration I get from those extra inches most definitely makes the pain of wearing them… bearable.

Perhaps, it’s not really the shoes that I’d like to buy with my shopping spree funds, but instead, 2-4 inches!